Well as I said yesterday I do have something to say.
When I was younger (13) something happened between me and a family friend. He was older than me and he touched me in ways that I shouldn't have been. Till this day I still blame myself because I didn't try to stop him but I sorta didn't know what was happening. It all sort of over boiled at that time and some bad messages were sent. In time he got over it and sort of never thought about it again but I never recovered I felt like I was abused, sexually. Me and him still talk and I guess are friends but I never felt the same. After work yesterday he was home for the weekend so I thought I go see him. Well his mum asked the night before.
When I got there his mum wasn't home, it was just me, him and his younger brother but he went to his room as soon as I got there. I'll call him A. Me and A watched a movie. I thought this would be the best time to tell him and confront about how that time a while ago made me feel. I moved to sit on the arm rest of his couch. I said "I don't hate me but I need to say this to you." But as soon as I did this my world went black I ended up saying sorry and bursting into tears, this wasn't how it was meant to go. He grabbed me a held me to him. My head was in his neck and shoulder bit, crying into him. I was trying to talk and tell him what I was meant to but I couldn't my sound wasn't coming out just blurs of words. I wanted to scream. I couldn't breath. He started rubbing my back and body to calm me but I didn't want him to touch me. I was so shut down though that I couldn't move.
He rubbed me and sort of hummed to me. Once I'd stop crying I got some tissue's and began to speak. I talked about how that night made my feel and how he ruined our friendship. Even though we're friends now it could have been better. I said sorry about some of the messages too. But he wouldn't say sorry, well he hadn't yet but that's all I wanted to have some closure. Before I could any more his mum got home I had a milo and left.
At home I texted A I hadn't finished talking to him but there was family there so I didn't want to cry, so I started texting him with a joke but it ended badly. I said ".......Haha if I get a back rub every time I cry I'll have to cry more" but A replied saying "Well all you have to do is get rid of Scott and you can have as many as you want, whenever you want like now" I didn't want to hear that. I said that's not going to happen.
I got serious.
I said how that I felt scared after he done that to me and it made it hard when I started going out with Scott. I said that I was only a kid and that I didn't know what was going on and that I think I couldn't say stop because maybe I confused it to being love instead it was actually A obstructing of our friendship.
Then I went on to ask "What were you thinking when you did that to me and Why would you do that to me? I need to know." But all he said was that "It was just the heat of the moment" I don't know what I was excepting him to say but that wasn't it. I wanted to here more. But I guess wasn't going to hear it.
I said I had to go and I left it at that. I will talk about it more another day maybe. I still don't think I said enough. I didn't say I felt abused I was too scared to. I wish I had now.
Today I texted him about him and the was he held me and I told him the it wasn't apperate and that I will never left anything sexual happen between us and I love Scott. A replied "Never say never. But don't worry I'll never do anything to ruined our friendship unless I was sure I liked you." Me and A are friends I don't want our friendship to get ruined again because he wants me.
Scott knows what I went through with A and I'm going to tell him what happened Sunday because he needs to know that I've dealt with it. Scott doesn't like A and I don't think he ever will.
I'll never forget or forgive with A done but I can deal with it better now.
Annalisa the Better?
Posts
Anna, there's so much to say about this. I'll do it in point form, I think it might be easier. Some of it's hard for me to say because I know it will be hard for you to hear.
ReplyDelete-it's obvious from this that A doesn't respect you. If he truly cared about you he would feel bad about the past and he would have apologized for ever hurting you.
I don't know if you remember I once asked Kim a question about you that upset you a bit. Even though it was unintentional it hurt me that I said something that had that effect on you; that's how friends should feel about each other. He doesn't.
-A is a threat to your relationship. He obviously wants you to leave Scott so you can be with him. Ask yourself really, what kind of friend does that? A should be happy that you're in a good relationship and respect those boundaries. It's pretty evident when he said "Never say never" that he hopes to sleep with you one day and sees you as potentially more than a friend.
-you said you felt like you were abused. You absolutely were Anna. Whether he's a 'friend' or a stranger,he did something inappropriate. Just because you didn't say no doesn't mean you wanted it to happen. I'm not sure how much older A is but he should have known he was taking advantage of you.
-I said it before, but you have to know that NONE of this is your fault. You didn't ask for it. As when you were 13, you're at a bit of a confusing time in your life right now and this isn't something you can easily figure out.
-A has a history of taking advantage of you when you're vulnerable. First when you were young(er), then when you needed him most to comfort you he took advantage again. Him saying it was "the heat of the moment" is a cowardly B.S. way of not taking responsibility for what he did. Really makes me angry.
Believe me it's truly, truly hard for me to say this to you honey because I know you want your friendship to continue with A. But you've given him many chances to talk about it seriously and work things out. All he's done is show that he expects a sexual relationship in the near future. He's the one who should have said sorry to YOU.
My advice is to tell Scott everything. Don't be ashamed about the back rub comment you made to A. Yes, it was misleading but you were upset and confused.
I think the best thing you can do is tell A that it's obvious he doesn't respect you or your relationship and because of that you can't trust him to be around you. It's gone on over the years so what reason do you have to believe he won't continue to mistreat you?
Cut A loose before he hurts you again.
And please remember Anna, anytime you want to talk about anything Sandy and I are always here for you.
Barry
Barry,
ReplyDeleteWhen I first read what you wrote all I could think of with excuses for A. Which I know I sohuldn't have.
-I want to use a excuse for him now but I know I can't. And I know he doesn't have any respet for my relationship with Scott.I know he should care for what me and Scott have with each other I'm just not ready to cut him out of my life yet.
-A is a threat to your relationship. True
-A was old enough to know what he was doing and know what he shouldn't do.
-A has a history of taking advantage of you when you're vulnerable. First when you were young(er), then when you needed him most to comfort you he took advantage again. Him saying it was "the heat of the moment" is a cowardly B.S. way of not taking responsibility for what he did. Really makes me angry. (I don't know what to say to this, I know his excuse wasn't up to the standards that I would like)
I've told Scott as much as I could.
I know if I don't cut A out of my life now he'll end up hurting me again but I can't not yet. I still want him in my life. As a friend. I spoke to my friend about this and he said A was just after sex and has no respect for me and is a dick.
Thank you so much for your advice. It was hard hearing it but I needed to hear it all.
Anna, the right word is 'excuses'. That came to my mind when I read through your post but I didn't get it in there.
ReplyDeleteYour friend is right, A is just after sex. That's blatantly obvious. I'm sorry but A doesn't care about you as a friend. Don't sit around hoping he'll change because he won't. There are too many hormones raging around right now and you're an easy target because you're emotionally close to him.
If you haven't already you really need to talk to Scott and ask him how he would feel if you keep A in your life. It doesn't sound like Scott is always as willing to talk about things as you are, so he may downplay it. But inside I'm sure he'd want you to stop hanging out with A.
You said, "I know if I don't cut A out of my life now he'll end up hurting me again..."
That's why I said, "It's gone on over the years so what reason do you have to believe he won't continue to mistreat you? Cut A loose before he hurts you again."
Sweetie, honestly it's VERY hard for me to say that to you. It's easy for me to sit back and give advice (and believe me I suck at taking advice myself). But I want you to remember what I'm saying now:
"If you continue seeing A you will ABSOLUTELY get hurt again, probably worse than you have been already."
Because after all that you've told him about how much it upset you, if you stay around him he'll think it doesn't bother you that much and maybe you WANT something to happen. You can talk to him all you want and try to explain how you feel, but I know he won't take it seriously. I don't want to read down the road that he tried to force himself on you. That wouldn't be a good reason for me to want to fly down to Australia.
Finally ask yourself Anna, "Is it worth the risk to my physical and emotional safety, as well as the risk to what I have with Scott, to be around someone who wants to pursue a sexual relationship with me and doesn't take me seriously?"
Barry the concerned
I know my friend is very right, he always is.
ReplyDeleteI sent A a text on Tuesday to see what his reply would be but so far he hasn't replyed. I think maybe he's got the message.
"If you continue seeing A you will ABSOLUTELY get hurt again, probably worse than you have been already."
I know :(
Finally ask yourself Anna, "Is it worth the risk to my physical and emotional safety, as well as the risk to what I have with Scott, to be around someone who wants to pursue a sexual relationship with me and doesn't take me seriously?" It's not worth it your right.
Annalisa