Well as I said yesterday I do have something to say.
When I was younger (13) something happened between me and a family friend. He was older than me and he touched me in ways that I shouldn't have been. Till this day I still blame myself because I didn't try to stop him but I sorta didn't know what was happening. It all sort of over boiled at that time and some bad messages were sent. In time he got over it and sort of never thought about it again but I never recovered I felt like I was abused, sexually. Me and him still talk and I guess are friends but I never felt the same. After work yesterday he was home for the weekend so I thought I go see him. Well his mum asked the night before.
When I got there his mum wasn't home, it was just me, him and his younger brother but he went to his room as soon as I got there. I'll call him A. Me and A watched a movie. I thought this would be the best time to tell him and confront about how that time a while ago made me feel. I moved to sit on the arm rest of his couch. I said "I don't hate me but I need to say this to you." But as soon as I did this my world went black I ended up saying sorry and bursting into tears, this wasn't how it was meant to go. He grabbed me a held me to him. My head was in his neck and shoulder bit, crying into him. I was trying to talk and tell him what I was meant to but I couldn't my sound wasn't coming out just blurs of words. I wanted to scream. I couldn't breath. He started rubbing my back and body to calm me but I didn't want him to touch me. I was so shut down though that I couldn't move.
He rubbed me and sort of hummed to me. Once I'd stop crying I got some tissue's and began to speak. I talked about how that night made my feel and how he ruined our friendship. Even though we're friends now it could have been better. I said sorry about some of the messages too. But he wouldn't say sorry, well he hadn't yet but that's all I wanted to have some closure. Before I could any more his mum got home I had a milo and left.
At home I texted A I hadn't finished talking to him but there was family there so I didn't want to cry, so I started texting him with a joke but it ended badly. I said ".......Haha if I get a back rub every time I cry I'll have to cry more" but A replied saying "Well all you have to do is get rid of Scott and you can have as many as you want, whenever you want like now" I didn't want to hear that. I said that's not going to happen.
I got serious.
I said how that I felt scared after he done that to me and it made it hard when I started going out with Scott. I said that I was only a kid and that I didn't know what was going on and that I think I couldn't say stop because maybe I confused it to being love instead it was actually A obstructing of our friendship.
Then I went on to ask "What were you thinking when you did that to me and Why would you do that to me? I need to know." But all he said was that "It was just the heat of the moment" I don't know what I was excepting him to say but that wasn't it. I wanted to here more. But I guess wasn't going to hear it.
I said I had to go and I left it at that. I will talk about it more another day maybe. I still don't think I said enough. I didn't say I felt abused I was too scared to. I wish I had now.
Today I texted him about him and the was he held me and I told him the it wasn't apperate and that I will never left anything sexual happen between us and I love Scott. A replied "Never say never. But don't worry I'll never do anything to ruined our friendship unless I was sure I liked you." Me and A are friends I don't want our friendship to get ruined again because he wants me.
Scott knows what I went through with A and I'm going to tell him what happened Sunday because he needs to know that I've dealt with it. Scott doesn't like A and I don't think he ever will.
I'll never forget or forgive with A done but I can deal with it better now.
Annalisa the Better?
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